Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Me and sports have a weird history. Terry loved 'em, there for I hated 'em. He always said I was kinda good at baseball in particular, so refusing to play the game he loved so much was my own little 12 yr old way of saying "fuck you Dad". That being said, when I was in Milwaukee, some friends of mine informed that on nice days they would occasionally attend baseball matches. They assured me it was a hoot, so being the brilliant, openminded, anthropologist that I am felt inclined to, in the name of science, see what all the hoopla was all about.
Tailgating is by no means a foreign word to me. Back in Texas I heard of many "rape friendly" gentleman talk about them at length pretty often. However, I had no idea that people actually sit in a fucking parking lot and get loaded and grill mammal flesh before, after, and during the game. Not to mention these white trash/wigger, hybrids playing washers( kinda like horseshoes) , some weird bean bag toss into clown mouth game, and of course "beer pong" was far from what I had expected from these swine.
The gang was saying we had pretty good seats. Frankly I couldn't tell. I have no idea what bad seats are. All i know is that i was surrounded by wasted teenagers and wans't allowed to smoke except for some little bullshit reserved space and that shit wasnt flying with me.
Please pay special attention to the slide on the top left corner of this photograph. This is no ordinary slide and god forbid some "rando" try to go down this Taj Mahal of slides. This slide is reserved for the mascot only. He goes down the slide every time the Brewers hit a home run. What I'm trying to say is, that this guys only task for his job is to go down a fucking slide, sometimes. Other times, who knows what the fuck homeboy is doing. Probably living his mother fucking life.
These are my friends who brought me to the big game.
For the record, I will do my best to have a make every memory a special one. I will also eat the shit out of some waffle fries covred in nacho cheese served in a mini baseball helmet. If karma was real I would weigh 600 lbs. No, that's a lie, I'd be dead.
This was the only guy, I'm sorry, "playa" I could see well. His name was Corey Hart and no its not that Corey Hart, I asked. Also, if your name was Corey Hart and you were in a positon where you could have theme music, why the fuck wouldn't you just roll with the coincidence and have them play "Never Surrender" every time you stepped up to the plate ? You dont deserve to share a name with a semi famous dick head.
This kid kept staring at me. Being one who ain't never been afraid of no fucking kid, stared back. Then it hit me, I was staring at myself.However, the only thing that separates myself from this fat kid, is me losing my virginity while listening to " Red Light Special" in a closet after having smoked weed out of a coke can when I was 14.
This kid will grow up to be the kinda guy who gets a male hooker, kills him, wears his face like a mask, and then eats him.
When i was 18 I went to Dime Bag Darryl's strip club in Dallas. I remember it making me feel uncomfortable. It was kinda like gambling in the way that, if you had a lot of money and a coke habit it might be fun. Regardless, I felt bad for just being in the place and I really just ended up talking to one of the "entertainers" most of the evening and I saw a girl I went to high school with. Anyway, I have never been in a place where when some guy says " SHOW ME YOUR TITS", and then a women says, " YOU WANNA SEE MY TITS" and then shows roughly, 30,000 people her tits. It kinda blew my mind. Especially when I realized she was probably like maybe 17. Oh well, I can check that one off my bucket list.
All and all it was a good time. The company was top notch and like you saw, I got to eat some shit out of a helmet. Sports are still fucking weak and we still pay these mother fuckers way too much goddamn money for doing very little. After the game, in the parking lot I was telling my buddy that I could do everything thing those asshole were could. Dont ever fucking test me son. I can hit the shit out of a baseball. Now Gaelic Football, that's a real game.