I was gonna write this about Bruce, but Im not ready for that yet. Instead I’m gonna write about something he’d want me to write about Rock n Roll. He always fucked with me about writing for a punk magazine and not having it all be about fucking punk. So here it goes. Also, I’m gonna write it in the style of Bruce.
HOLY FUCK SHIT!!!!! Chicago hardcore coming at you blind folded with a pillow case full of FUCKING BRICKS!!! CANADIAN RIFLE killing it with their rag tag brand of melodic punk. Some would call it pop punk, but that shit sucks, SO FUCK THAT! Jordan from RESIDUE RECORDS has been putting out some serious shit as of late NO SLOGAN, DAYLIGHT ROBBERY, DEFECT DEFECT, and of course the power house know as SACRED SHOCK!!! JUMPING JESUS ON A POGO STICK!!!! Chicago is back in the game for all you punk rockers out there. I just got a hold of the MANIPULATION single and its quite a ripper. FASHIONABLE IDIOTS put this hot slab of wax out. CHECK IT OUT!!!!
Ok ok, That’s weak and I know it. Weaker then usual. Even for me. No one can even come close to the genius of Roehrs. What I’m gonna write about this month is gay sex. Yes boys and girls. Hot, buff, gay sex. My gracious host in Milwaukee is a “bear” and a close friend for that matter. I’m sure many of you know what a “bear” is, but just bare with me for a sec, will ya? I bear is a “larger” hairy gay man. A bear is a lover, a fighter , and a friend. A bear will fuck you right and hold you tight. What’s not to love. Lugs, my friend, has really given me an inside look into the sub culture within in a sub culture in the past few weeks. Lugs has been shoving this shit down my throat for years( no pun intended), but until recently I never knew how far this shit reached. I learned some things that I cannot put into words, but goddamnit its my duty as a serious journalist to try. Not because they’re gross or sinfull or whatever, but because I’m jealous as a mother fucker. These dudes go on Cruises, “Bear Runs”, and conventions. Are you kidding me. If you put me in a room full of cute girls with shitty hand tattoos( who actually wanted to fuck me) and crates full of poppers( speculation, no idea if bear conventions have actual crates full of poppers) I’d be all over that shit. I might actually attempt to fuck my brains out. It’s got to be the most amazing place on earth. Like an adult Disney land with none of the “ children” shit. A cruise ship? Are you kidding me. You get me and Greg Daly on a ship full of fine girls headed for Jamaica with an open bar and son, we will sink that fucking ship. Or at the very least come back in hand cuffs For sure create an internationl incident . Lugs, told all about it. Just hot buff dudes with no shirts and very few inhibitions. Just lube and good vibes all around. Cool lube too. The kind that comes in honey bears. That is something anybody can get behind, gay or straight.
On my birthday Lugs took me to Chicago to stay with some of his team mates on his all “bear” softball team. 2 dudes built like linebackers answered the door. I wasn’t sure if they were gonna fuck me or fight me, but judging from the cleanliness of their home I gathered pretty quickly that these men had zero interest in a hobo looking mother fucker like me. There was a massive TV, a Nintendo WII, and a kitchen full of hot delicious food. We just kinda sat around and shot the shit. They schooled me on the game of “bear” and got me hip to the lingo. Now, in straight fucking, we have our own little terms, like first base, second base, etc. However in the “bear” world they have onezies, twozies, and threezies, all the way up to fiveszies. From what I gather, Fivezies of something that I cannot physically perform. Something to do with being able to suck a dick thorough a butthole. I’m not sure, there was so much information to absorb, I got a headache. Twozies is slightly confusing however. It’s a blow job and as best as I can remember from my youth, that would count as somewhere around fourth base. Threezies is anal. Seriously? Whats left man! In my sexual lexicon is don’t get much more then anal. I’ve never even gotten to do that! 4 and 5 gotta be some form of ritual sacrifice. Mother fuckers move fast. I respect that shit out of that. Dave and Owen, our hosts in Chicago, were a absolute delight. Solid dudes and it was breath of fresh air seeing two people really in love with each other. The conversation was sooooo raw. They’d ask me questions about fucking, I’d ask them questions about fucking. They seemed to be really intrigued with“ squirters” (female ejactulation). Unfortunalty I didn’t have nearly enough insider info on the subject, but the didn’t seem to be that upset. Note self: Do “squiter” research for Dave and Owen. I think they thought I was crazy, but I didn’t care. I really loved being around them. I lived at an LGBT compound sorta place in Austin, but it just wasn’t information for me. I need more and these fine gentleman had it all. Just a beacon of knowledge just ready to divulge information to a little straight man such as myself. It’s now known that in the scene I would be known as an “otter”. Which is adorable. Dave really wants me to shave and cut my hair and maybe for my birthday next year I’ll do just that. Anything for my dudes. Also, you feel so tough walking down the street with 6 giant guys. Not allowing myself from starting fights with passers by was a challenge, but I didn’t loose my cool in front of the big dawgs. If I ever get married (which I wont) my groomsmen would be Martin’s old man Sam, My Chicago dudes, Scott Moore, and Lugs, just to blow the minds of my future in laws. Not the mention the bachlor party would be off the chain.
Why can’t I be gay? I’d be so good at it. I’m sexually liberated, the taste of seamen doesn’t bother me, and I look great in flannel. I can taste the glory of it , I just cant cross over. Maybe someday I’ll step up my game. I just wanna fly. Fly like a fucking eagle. A big gay eagle.
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