By the time this piece of shit comes out it’ll be summer and that means fests. So many fucking fests. Every asshole and their mother has a fucking fest. I’m sure a lot of people have a lot of fun and I’m sure a lot of great bands play, but let’s face the facts, most of us have really short attention spans, drink too much, and could probably care less who’s playing just so long as there’s a nice beat you can dance to. One year I had to have hit most of the fests on the circuit. For sure at least like 6 of em. And yes, most of them suck. So many fucking dogs and spare changers. Ugly people and not in that awesome way. I don’t like the acoustic guitar in general, what exactly makes you think that you playing a Woody Guthrie song earns you a dollar. You should pay me a dollar for not beating the shit out of you.
Let me start by saying that I love both the men who did this fest. I thoroughly the enjoy the Philadelphia metropolitan area. Well, maybe not west Philly. There are a lot of amazing people there, some great food, and some solid vibes. They got ganstas riding ponies through the streets. An amazing Rocky museum that also has some art pieces. Cheese steaks made of actual meat. That being said, what’s the deal with all the train hoppers and oppressive heat? I bout died and I’m from fucking Texas, man. Damn near lost it when Limp Wrist was playing. Room full of about 500 ugly mother fuckers, naked as the day they were born, beating the shit outta each other. The smell, my friends. The smell like what I would imagine cancer to smell like, but worse. There were these huge industrial fans going ape shit. Which should have been amazing, if it weren’t blowing crusty ball smell all over the place. Lance Hahn once said that no one should bring an acoustic guitar on tour because someone might play it. That’s what I thought when me and Barfield got wind of some kinda DIY secret show in the park after hours. Intrigued as we were, seeing as we have our own renegade show space down here in Austin, we decided to peep the scene. To our disbelief there was nothing, but ass flaps, dreadlocks, and some weirdo playing folks songs in a sea of black denim. Everyone was singing along, loving every fucking minute of it. To date, I’ve never been angrier than I was that evening. It was like Bloomington, Indiana, had thrown up on Philly.
The Fest ( Florida )
No Idea records does this cute little fest every year chock full of every goddamn pop punk band on the planet. No shit, every fucking one of em, and I’m ok with that. Do what you do. I ain’t the fucking cops. Most of them are bands I’ve never heard of and the ones I have I wish I hadn’t. One thing I will say is they feed the bands that play, which is a huge thing for me. I don’t drink, and could give two shits if there’s free booze. You give me a couple slices of pizza and a Dr. Pepper a day, you could kick my mother in the face or make me listen to Raydon. Actually, scratch the whole Raydon thing. Not worth it. You also have to go to Florida. There are lots of good times to be had there, I’m sure, but it doesn’t make up for the amount of flip flops or fanny packs you have to endure from the punks and the tourists. Now, if there was a fest in Disney World, maybe in the adult part where you can gamble, I might change my tune, but its not likely. Once when we were there years ago, Hans pulled a knife on some frat boys in the street and our roadie shit his pants. So yeah. No Dice. Have you ever noticed that every time you read one of those News of the Weird or “ wacky news” or whatever it always goes down in like fucking, Panama City? Like some people shoot their kids with pepper spray and it’s no biggie.
Jesus H. Christ, how could I forget Chicago Fest? Where to begin? We drove all night. Got kicked out of a place in Champaign-Urbana, where we were trying to sleep. No, that’s a lie. They got kicked out. I was at a bar down the street hitting on girl I went to high school with, but regardless, it sucked. Dude asked us to come stay at his place and when everyone went to sleep, changed his mind and kicked us out. On the way to the van some crusty shit bag offered to cook for us if we came to his place to crash. “ Hey, I got a few bell peppers and a tortilla and a chair.” 1 chair, mother fucker? The fuck am I gonna fuck with a bell pepper, 1 tortilla , and a fucking chair? Not happening. Ended up staying at a hotel and between Eric Fly’s snoring and “Family Matters “on full blast, I slept like shit. Once we finally got to the fest I saw Jack Control slap some kid ( which was cool) and later saw him with his makeup running down his face like a jilted prom date ( which was cooler) due to extreme heat. BSA killed it and I met a lot of good friends, but I also had to watch The First Step. Over all Chicago is a great city, but cold as fuck. Fly home and met a pimp named Sleepy on the CTA waiting to go to the airport. Kinda tolerable, but still pretty much weak.
Maryland Death Fest;
A, metal sucks. B, Baltimore sucks. C, Im not going to anything called “Death Fest”. That sounds like the worst thing a person could ever do. Fat metal dudes, horrible bands that ALL sound the fucking same minus a few random hardcore bands thrown in the mix to spice up this musical equivalent of a shit omelet . The mere thought of having to sit in a crowded room full of these assholes makes my skin crawl. Nothing more to be said on the subject.
Chaos in Tejas:
See, I’m not playing favorites. Now this may be the fest I prefer, but hey, I gots to keep it real. I like most the bands, hate some of the bands, and am less than thrilled to have to wait longer for tacos so train hoppers can count their change at Tamale House. Last year Amebix played. I actually heard some scum fuck yell out( dog in tow), “ this show should be 5 dollars” and another “ or free for squatters”. Frankly I agree. That would be fine with me. Separate shows for tax payers. I’m cool with that. All I wanna do is sleep for a week after its done. The whole place is fueled by cocaine and bullet belts. Neither of which I partake in and I admit that maybe if I did, it might be more enjoyable. I guess I have just too much self respect and dignity. Psych. Yes, it’s hot as balls here, but hey, we got AC fucking everywhere. Yes, everywhere.
This is a fucking fest, man. Twisted Sister, KISS, Alice Cooper! Get the fuck right out! I will unfortunately not be attending because of undying hatred of the French, but goddamn. KISS? Who the fuck needs BASTARD when you got KISS? Hell, even BASTARD would rather watch KISS than play. The Deftones are playing too and frankly, I respect the hell out of that decision. Not a fan, but fuck it man, do what you want. Think outside the box.
Saw Cypress Hill. Got my nipples pierced. Made out with a dude while on ecstasy. Not bad, however the bottled water is too expensive and Sonic Youth played for too long. At least I think it was Sonic Youth. I can remember being a total fucking loser will do that to ya.
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