Austin is like a ghost town tonight. All the streets are empty. There are no people walking their dogs, no ones waiting for the bus, nothing. It’s like fucking Christmas or the grocery store on a sunday night at 3am. All the businesses closed early, from whataburger to cherrywood coffeehouse. Only thing open is the Liquor store. It’s the Super Bowl and if you ain’t from the south then you might not understand what the big hoopla is all about. I mean hey, you might like the shit, but you I don’t think you really “understand” it. And thats cool. I can dig it.
Football in Texas is a huge fucking deal. Kids grow up imitating their favorite Dallas Cowboys players in their respective front yards with other neighborhood kids. Their dads dream of being able to watch their sons play in the big game against the rival school. Shit is just like Friday Night Lights or Varsity Blues or what-have you. Young girls get all dolled up and head down to the game just to support their team. Everyone loves the shit. Nights in highschool were filled with jocks and squares inside watching the game and us scumbags in the parking lot sniffing glue. It was very much apart of our day to day lives, to hear about football. As we get older no matter where we are in life, we can always rely on the comforting fact that sometime in February people get together and BBQ some shit or fry some shit and watch grown rich people beat the shit outta each other for mere sport. Just to entertain us. What a fucking world we live in.
So here I sit all alone in the house usually filled with loud assholes and fucked up dogs. Having had no idea the game was on, but got initially stoked because this meant I could jack off on the couch for a change (which is one of my favorite sunday activities). For about a second I thought about maybe going to a super bowl party just to meet up with a few people, ya know just for shits and then I remember that Football is the dumbest fucking thing on the planet and I don’t even wanna tell you what clever little quip my dads says about football. I don't know about you assholes, but I spent the better half of my formative years getting the shit beat out of me by guys that play FOOOOBALL. Now, why would I wanna support these pieces of shit jock mother fuckers? Why would I ever want to think about all wedgies, swirlys, or constant name calling ever again? I thought my name was “fag” until i was 17.
There was this kid I went to high school with. His name is Justin Blalock. He’s built like a brick shit house and from what I remember always has been. He’s had a pretty amazing career it seems. I don t really keep up with it, but every once in a while I’ll see his name in the paper. Started playing varsity ball when we were freshman. He did the whole college ball thang and now plays in the NFL for who, I have no idea. I do know that he’s made a literal shit ton of fucking money. He’s also the asshole who gave me this huge scar under my chin leaving me with this roach beard on my face for life. I remember it like it was yesterday, We were in the hall and one of his limp dick date rape buddies dared him to see if he could choke me unconscious. When i finally stopped kicking and screaming he just dropped me like a rock, straight on my face. Blood was everywhere and when I finally came too, all I saw was his size 19 Jordan’s walking about in the abyss of the highway, high fiveing Skip and Kiel ( pronounced Kyle) all along the way. Fuck that guy. I wonder what the statue of limitations of suing somebody for assualt. Surely, I have just cause. It’s because of him I hate football so much, making me a social outcast in my own home. Texas that is.
Did people forget that Football is for jocks? Has Football turned into the new Fixed gear bicycle? Just because Tragedy likes the Seahawks don’t make it alright. Whats next? Mixed martial arts between sets at Chaos in Tejas? Bruce Rhoers cage match with Layla? So many good jams about sports. Void did it. Gorilla BIscuits did it and those fuckers were basically jocks. First Christians now Jocks. Jesus Christ. Payton Manning?
Whats the appeal? I just don’t get it. I’m asking seriously. Someone please write me and let me know. I’m not even fucking with you. Tell me why you like football. Tell me why you like to see to rich men beat the shit outta each other. If you just wanna see people fight, come down to Austin, I’ll take you to the homeless shelter downtown and you can watch hobos beat the shit outta each other for as long as you want. Its better then pay per view and you can drink Thunderbird while you watch. Are people into this shit to live vicaoursley through these yuppies? Check out the big game then go to sleep fantasizing about scoring the winning point and getting to fuck the cheerleader? Just because they have a sick tribal sleeve doesn’t make them cool. People I work with who hate football were telling they watch the “big” game just for the commercials. That’s even worse! The fucking commercials?!?! It’s like the devil is shitting on my face right now. I can’t take this shit. I’m not gonna lie, If i was a billionaire I would totally spend a million fucking dollar shoot a commercial of Timmy taking a shit so all the douchbags watching FOX had to see that. That’s something I could get behind.
Come to think of it. Who the fuck are I talking shit on how people spend their free time? Just last night I found myself at some weird kinda “clown rave” with a bunch of free loving gypsy hippie type dick heads complete with girls wearing pasties hanging from holla hoops suspended from the ceiling. I should probably kills myself or at the very least turn on the tv for the post game show.
