Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Law. Man.

I like music not movies. To me the Lion King or Back Draft is just as good as fucking Amelie or what ever fucking foreign film about 2 brothers being in love for fuck sake. Don't get me wrong, I throughly enjoy sitting on my ass kicking back with a few hours of mind numbing bullshit on a cold winter day. But, thats just what I want. Mind numbing bullshit. I don't wanna read any fucking subtitles, and I sure as fuck don't wanna cry at the end because 2 people who were supposed to end up together did. I wanna see tits, explosions and fucking blood. Thats it. Im a simple man. I like what I likes and goddamnit I likes blood, guns and fucking. Movies like Crank 2 High Voltage and Steven Segals classic 1980's film Hard to Kill. Crank 2 is like watching a porn video game. Now thats fucking film making. Everything else is just hogwash. The fucking Notebook? Get the fuck outta my face with that shit. Daddy Daycare? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm talking fucking Billy Jack. I'm talking bout fucking Under Siege. Point Break. Now, that is fucking art. I don't know who the fuck Roman Polanski is and I don't care how many babies he fucked. I'm sure his shit is was too intelligent for me to understand and I'm sure his movies are too long. I like vampires. I like zombies. I can wrap my head around that kinda thing. Maybe aliens are moving into a small midwestern town. Maybe one takes the shape of a local school teacher ready to infect all the young school children with his/ or her fucked alien DNA. Print that shit. I'm like a young handsome James Cameron. Terminator. Thats a character a guy can get behind. Some fucking machine guns on a motorcycle, another wild ass liquid robot thrown into the mix.

For the past couple of days me and my associate Lucas have been on a very serious Steven Segal bender. In the past few days ( yes days ) Lucas, Lil Dynamite and I have watched the following things......

Under Siege

Under Siege 2

Hard to Kill

Exit Wound

Out for Justice

Urban Justice

Also there were a couple of random Chuck Norris moves, though he is a total fucking coward and doesn’t deserve to hold one of Steven Segal’s Magnum wrappers. Chuck Norris is a mark ass trick. Fucker made a movie with Jonathan Brandis about some little weak child with a brutal case of asthma and chuck Norris comes to save the day via karate. Shit was soooooo weak. Mr. Segal would never do such a lame movie. He is the greatest living American actor. However, I did recently hear that Stevey’s # 1 form of martial arts “ Aikido” is actually meant to be practiced by women exclusively. I don't know how I feel about this. I think I’m actually completely fine with this. That’s probably what makes he such a smooth big dick mother fucker.