Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I've done some things.

My friend Jessica turned me onto this blog about women who hook up with really really horriable people. Fuck it kills me. Funniest shit I've ever seen. Its the only thing on the internet I have to check everyday no matter what. I'm pretty sure its because I'm just half expecting to see myself on it someday. Any way, It's called " I bang the worst dudes" and this is my version of it.

* all these stories are true.

I was working a some shitty bar downtown a couple years back on Halloween. Some awful cover band was playing( as is the tradition of every shitty bar on halloween) and I was working the door collecting money. There she was. All 6'2 of her wearing some kind of weird fucked up, like clear mask with a bunch of make up on it distorting her face. I saw her keep staring at me from across the room, but frankly I couldn't be sure seeing as her eyes were covered. Every time I looked up from the cocaine laden 5 dollar bills, there she was, prowling, checking me out. Now, as many of you know, I'm not what you would call a " hot dude", but goddamn I was just so confused and intrigued and I have to admit I was pretty fucking stoned. Next thing you know it was last call. After cleaning the vomit den of a restroom I walked out to the bar to have a smoke and a beer while everyone else was shooting the shit having after hours drinks. I like my cigarette, looked up and sure enough there she was snorting blow off the bar. Through the nose hole in the mask of course. The bartender looked at her and asked her who she was with. I'll be damned if she didn't point at me. He asked me if that was true and when I started to say no all that came out of my mouth was, " i think so". That was it. It was on. Next stop some weird fucking SAW VI kinda situation, but I really had to see how this was gonna play out. It was like watching someone wreck a tall bike into a traffic signal. Couldn't not finish what I had started. So, next thing you know we were at my place. Irma House. Home of hundreds of poor decisions. I kept trying to talk to her and finally after a little while just ended up drinking a bottle of bourbon I had been saving for a rainy day, and son, let me tell you, It was fucking raining. Up until this point I was convinced that she was a man, but, nope. Near as I could tell, there was never a penis there. I tried to take of her mask, but she wasn't having it. We had pretty alright sex best I can remember, but yeah, the mask didn't come off once. When i woke up in the morning she was gone. To this day I have no idea who the person was. We never exchanged names, but every time I see a tall girl looking at me I wonder if it's her. For the next week I thought it was a dream, till Timmy asked me what ever happened to the girl wearing the mask I brought home from work.

Another awkward work thing, but up until recently I worked alot, so I guess it kinda makes sense. I was working this time at some fancy coffee shop downtown where they made everyone wear black and look really fucking slick. They wouldn't let me have a beard and I had to cover up all my tattoos. Even though I had 10 years experience making coffee they would only let me wash dishes because I was that much of a scum bag. Fuck 'em. I digress, this blonde chick who worked at the sports bar next door used to come in alot to get drinks for her and her girls. She was really fine and used to smile whenever I'd look up at her from the dish sink. So one day I hollered at her. She said that if i wanted to I could meet her after work for a drink across the street at one of the 6 gay bars. When asked " why the fuck do we gotta go to Oil Can Harry's" and she said, " they let me drink there and its free karaoke." , I should have cut the scene right then and there. Let the record show that during this time in my life I was doing alot of drugs and drinking like it was my job. After work I went there to meet her, she was singing Kelly Clarkson, which all the fellas at Oil Cans loved, and I ended up smoking coke out of a lone star can in the alley with, well a crackhead I assume is what you would call him. Regardless, we ended up at my place. Usual blah blah blah, she decided to stay over because she left her car down town. I gave her a t-shirt and a pair of boxers to sleep in( cuz I'm a fucking gentleman) and we crashed. The next morning I gave her a ride to her car and that was that until I got home and realized that she stole my fucking UNIFORM CHOICE shirt. Are you kidding me? I give you the best 3-5 minutes of you're life and you steal my shit. I texted her about it with no reply and finally just chalked another one up to the game. A couple weeks later homegirl texts me and asks if she left her high school class ring at my house. I looked around my room and sure enough there it was. Green Emerald class ring from 2006? Get the fuck out. This was 2007, so I know I just did something kinda creepy. I never texted her back to give and ended up giving the ring to my buddy Lynn who still wears it everyday.

Theres a couple stories I could go into so.... Actually more than a couple. When I was 17 I was going to AA. I had been in some trouble with the law and the state of Texas, my family and even I though it might be best if I checked it out for awhile. AA as a teenager is a fucking weird scene. Lots a ex bar hags, junkies, bikers (which was cool) and just all around fucked up, crazy people. I didn't have a lot of friend because I was such a smart ass little shit, but ended up becoming close with an older lady who was also new to the " program". I say older, but she was probably in her mid to late 30's if memory serves me. One night she invited me over to watch a movie. Once again, she was pretty fine so I went over there. I'm not gonna say I didn't wanna take it to the bone zone, but I just never really though this incredibly beautiful mature women would even entertain the thought of fucking me. One thing led to another and we ended up making out on her couch. She said she was getting hungry, and it being late and all got in her insanely nice car and drove that shit to the nearest late night eatery, Denny's. She got the " Eggs Over Mi Hami while I just looked at her driking coffee gawking at her like a horny 17 year old, which in my defense I was. After we got dont eating we ended up having sex in the back of her car outside of the Denny's. It was fucking awesome. Now, here's where shit gets a little weird. She said I could stay her place that night to have a little " round 2", which I could actually do back in those days, but had to be out early because her " baby daddy" was coming to drop off her daughter for the after noon. Whom she hadn't seen for about 6 months. We feel asleep after about 5 minutes of signature Logan style sex. Around 5 am I woke up to take a piss and to my suprise and horror found her lying on the bathroom floor with a needle in her arm. I called the EMS and then I called Terry Worrell. She ended up being fine, but was taken to a psych ward for being dog shit fucking crazy. I few weeks later she got out and showed up at my parents house apparently to profess her love for me. Terry Worrell answered the door and told her that she could either get shot or leave. She left. Never heard from her again.