Monday, March 15, 2010

Once a day to keep me regular

For some reason or another Timmy , Amy, and I ended up at the grocery store stocking up on provisions for the upcoming SXSW week. I’m gonna be working at a bar downtown and we decided that working so many hours, it would be in my best interest to get some easy-to-make food items to ensure I am fully nourished.

The following is a list of the things I got.

White bread,
Frosted mini wheats. (generic brand)
Everything bagels
3 Totino’s frozen pizzas (pepperoni)
onion and chive cream cheese (generic brand)
ramen noodles (oriental & chicken)
1 Cliff bar
Soy milk (who the fuck am I kidding)

I’m not really much of a shopper and seeing as I only had literally 15 dollars in my pocket (my debit card privileges have been revoked. Yes, they can do that), I feel like a did a pretty good job. After walking back to the car, Timmy dared me to drink some of Amy’s 3 day old horchata that was chilling in one of her cup holders. I declined. Timmy did remind me of the time he dared me to drink a shot glass full of feta cheese water at Bouldin a couple years back. Around this time I had also dared him to drink a shot of vegetable oil and that’s when it hit me…. I have jacked off with some really weird things.

I was 13. My mom made me go on this stupid fucking trip to Schlitterbahn with her weird friend Ellen and her awful fucking kid Robert. Robert and I were life long adversaries. Anyway, Ellen and Mom got some kid of dingy motel room that was connected to Schlitterbahn (at this time Schlitterbaun was the world’s largest water park, however now that title goes to some bullshit place in Wisconsin). Robert and I went and fucked off in the water all day while Ellen and Mom drank white wine and listened to Fleetwood Mac. One afternoon I went into the gnarly ass bathroom to relieve myself and put a little sunscreen on my arms and BAM! It just hit me like a ton of bricks. It felt so right. The smooth buttery feeling of sunscreen on my skin. I just had to find out what it would be like on my penis. All those years of spit and a dream for nothing. It had been right in front of my face this whole time, just wating to be utilized. Having been a fair skinned young man, sunscreen was only next to the church as a huge priority for Mom. Once the one-eyed gopher was polished I retired to the back porch for a post masturbatory cigarette (which I had just discovered early that year), when walks out that cocksucker Robert. “Oh, my god! You’re smoking! I’m gonna tell your mom.” Not a good idea, Robert. I beat the shit outta him and ended up breaking of couple fingers in the process. The golden girls walked in right when I had him right where I wanted him. Ellen freaked out and broke it up. Mom told her to just let us finish. Overall, a pretty solid vacation.

Vegetable Oil;
My grandmother had just passed away. The whole Worrell clan had to meet up in Houston (gross) and attend the funeral. Now, let me give you a little insight into my family. Uncle Pat (actually one of my 3 uncle Pats) was hosting the event, seeing as that is where Nana had died and he kinda ends up being the one who a) likes being a leader, or b) being the one who cant say no to Terry. My cousins are more or less okay, but aside from a few of ‘em, I don’t really talk to them all that much. My aunt is fucking crazy and usually a wake in my family is just another excuse to get loaded in the daytime without any fear of judgment. Not that that ever was a deterrent. The funeral had ended. Some cold cuts were eaten and scotch was drunk. It was time for this 16 y.o. to retire for a little one-on-one time. At this time I was maxing out around 3 times a day (excluding sick days which could go as far as 7) whether I needed to or not. This being a day of mourning was no excuse. But what to use? Quick recon mission to the restroom was a no go. Just hand soap shaped like sea shells and dental floss. My only hope was the kitchen. There I could surely find something. I remember my aunt having some hand lotion down by the sink for after she did dishes. I didn’t even make it as far as the sink when I noticed a bottle of veggie oil sitting on the counter. I have to admit to you, my loyal readers, I was so intrigued. Maybe it was the color of the bottle. Or the way that silky oil just called out to me, screaming, “come on Logan, fuck yourself with this.” I put some in a little glass and went back upstairs in my Uncle’s guest bedroom. It was great. Aside from making a slight mess due to over usage, not a big deal. My penis was kinda oily, but I was 16 so my face was too. Now I matched. The next morning my mother came in to wake me up for the long drive back to Plano. “Logan, what is that on the nightstand beside you?” Fuck. Busted by my mother. No, No, No. I can talk my way out of this for sure. “Well, mother, it’s vegetable oil. I drink it.” And then I took a big swig of it. To this day I think mom knew that I was jacking off with it, but for the good of both of us, it was never mentioned again. Completely disgusted with myself, I have to date never masturbated with vegetable oil ever again.

Hair Gel:
This one is kinda hard. I know I seem like a pretty open guy, but what kinda man wants to openly admit that he has beat his meat with motherfucking LA LOOKS? Nobody wants that. However, for the sake of art I must carry on. I had to have been 13. Punk as fuck, might I add, so of course I had a little hair gel around. Trapped somewhere between being the dirty kid and the clean kid, mom used to make me wake up extra early and take a shower. What she didn’t know is that I had my porno stash in the bathroom behind the towels. Unbeknownst to her, while I was supposed to be showering I was pleasuring myself to my friend’s dad’s stolen porno, which was comprised entirely of closeup shots of worn out vagina. Now, let the record show, I am in no way, shape, or form dogging worn out vaginas. I like em rode hard and put up wet. I digress, anywho. The hand lotion was running low and trying not to raise suspicion, i decided that it was time to find a new love liquid. Shampoo was of course my first thought. Although I have a urethra of steel, having tried shampoo in the past, I figured round 2 might fare better results. The next best option to me was the bottle of hair gel lying innocently on the sink. I’m a “trysexual” I’ll try anything. So why the fuck not? Here’s a real shit, it wasn’t so bad. It looked kinda cool. It was actually a lot like jacking off with Nickelodeon “ Gak”, which I have also done. Jacking off with a time sensitive lube is definitely something to get into. Who doesn’t love a challenge? You got to be careful. If you don’t cum, clean up and get out real soon, you’ll end up with your dick looking like a cast member of the Jersey Shore.