SXSW: WEEK IN REVIEW
As many of you loyal readers know, I’ve recently retired. Now a lifestyle of leisure and relaxation can get kinda expensive and seeing that my money management system involves me taking all the money I have and throwing it up in the air, immediately running away from it, doesn’t help for the longevity of my new found occupational freedom. Needless to say I got me a job at a local live music venue called EMO’s. It’s a nice place. My buddy Lucas got me the gig. Basically this is what I did all of SXSW this year. Which is was better then other years when I just spend most of the time doing drugs with Greg Daly. So yeah here we go.
Tuesday:
Bill told me to work the Hank III show. I’m not sure if any of you know what Hank III means, so allow me to fiil you in. Hank III is a stupid ugly, redneck ,full of shit, cocksucker. Apparently he’s related to Hank Williams, but who the fuck cares. Dude sucks and most people who like him suck. We had to throw out a chick who managed to make the situation so gnarly it took 3 huge bouncers to get her fat ass out of there. You all know I love a full figured women (or man for that matter) , but this shit was unreal. Homegirl was like 6’5 350lbs. No bullshit. They should have charged admission to that show by the pound and given discounts based on number of original teeth. Saw 2 giant Nazis “sieg heiling” and taking pictures with other ugly fucks. Overall not a bad day.
Wednesday:
Got to work at 11 am. Working the pit for this “gay Edward Scissorhands” sorta shit. I guess it metal core, though I’m not entirely sure what that means. All their songs we named after Al Pacino movies. Carlito’s Way, Heat, Donnie Brasco, etc. Well all except for “ 5 minutes Alone” which is a sick fucking Pantara song. DBDRIP. Later that night worked some dumb, euro trash bullshit. Fucking people who don’t even speak English. Come on man. Get with it. I got some unfortunate news before I got off, so I went home early and cried like a baby. More of that later.
Thursday:
Working the back gate, which basically involves letting Emo’s bartenders friends in so they ain’t gotta fuck with no line. Most of em are still cunts, but it wasn’t all that bad I guess. Damian and Sandy came to hang out with me for about 4 hours and I spent the rest of the evening hitting on dumb hipster girls and chain smoking. One guy called me a faggot, and I just blew a kiss at em. Totally bet I could fuck that dude if I wanted too. Seeing as Amy drove me to work that morning, I was left down town at 3 am with out a way home. Bailey had to walk home on the east side, so being a smooth fucking southern gent that I am ,walked her home . She gave me a ride home, but once there realized that I was once again locked out. I banged on Amy’s window and she let me in. Got to see her in a towel ( sorry Berdan) which was cool.
Friday:
Woke up with a pizza box on my chest. Around this point in my workweek I was deliriously tired and contemplating killing myself hourly, but the fear of un-retiring was way greater then the fear of yuppie cocksuckers. Told the VP of Sony records he couldn’t come in. Asked me if I know who he was. Asked him if he knew who I was. He didn’t. Stormed away in a huff. Dropped His GPS on the ground behind him. 1 point Logan. Stick to putting out SADE records ( which I love) and get the fuck out. Old bastard. There was also a Surfer Blood day show chock full of suedo beach babes. Told the chick from Surfer she was so fine I’d let her shit in my mouth. She was unimpressed. Another women told me she’d suck my dick if I let her and her homies in. Declining, as I occasioanly do in these situations for fear of weird dieses that there aren’t even names for yet, I told her if she found a dude to suck my dick, I might change my tune. Sure enough, homegirl sent some skinny hipster dude over to suck me off. Unfortunately, I had to tell the poor fella he wasn’t my type. Rejection at a surfer blood gig, bummed. Things get kinda hazy around this point. Probably went home and had to deal with Timmy’s farts for a couple hours before I fell asleep.
Quote of the Day( awesome super fine black women), “ $20 dollars? Well who the fuck is playing here, Juvenile or something?”
Saturday:
Worked the back door for the SUM 41 gig. Those dudes make Blink 182 look like GISM. I know its not cool to refer to something as “ gay” but, hey man, call a spade a spade. They also drink white wine. If your name isn’t Meredith and you don’t listen to Fleetwood Mac yet drink white wine, well then I don’t know what to tell you. People (14yr old girls) love the shit outta that fucking band. Taking pictures with em, hugging em, whatever. Made me kinda sick, but that’s the game son. Ended up working out side and freezing my ass off all night and wishing I was dead.
Quote of the day “ Hey man I need to get back stage, I know the bass player, he had sex with my girlfriend, well now she’s my ex girlfriend, but you know what I mean”
Sunday:
This was the High Times 10th annual “ DOOBIE AWARDS”. No shit. About 200 pot heads showed up for the chance to smoke weed with B Real from Cypress Hill ( who cancelled) and check out the newest drug smoking apparatuses in the Marijuana scene. There we vaporizers, bongs, weird blunts things I don’t even know about and ugly, ugly, ugly fucking people. Dixie Witch played ( southern gummo, sleeze garbage) to about 6 people who probably thought they were watching B Real. After every band some drugged out asshole would come out and announce another award.” And for best Pop artist of 2010…….the winner is… Alice in Chains”. NO SHIT. Followed immediately after “ Alice in Chains couldn’t be here tonight “ blah blah blah. I was stuck working at the front door, but it was a nice day outside so was way into the idea of chilling out by the back gate with all the other door guys. I got some pot brownies from the lady who ran High Times and gave them to a couple of BMX stoner dudes who were fellow Emo’s employies and next thing you know, they were wasted by the front door, unable to move they were reduced to take my spot at the door checking Id’s and stamping hands. I spent most of the day wandering around watching the clock to hit 7.
Quote of the day “ Slayer is not here to accept this award, but……”
